Well, I suppose it’s time to start training as an astronaut, because goodness knows I have no reason to inhabit this cruel and unjust planet any longer...That’s right, US Women’s national team superstar and heart-breaker Alex Morgan — aka the love of my life, the Key to my Peele, the Sturridge (or Ivanovich depending on your opinion) to my Suarez, the woman whose face could cause a man to slam on his brakes in the middle of Boston traffic at 5:15 pm on a Friday — has announced her engagement on Instagram with the following photo above.
It’s either become an astronaut and look down at the earth missing my main girl like Sandra Bullock in “Gravity”, or I can strap a cannon ball to my boot straps a la "Pirates of the Caribbean" and walk the plank. Whichever opportunity presents itself first, I suppose...
But alas, I give credit where credit is due to the fortuitous Servando Carrasco. I just don’t know if I’ll ever be able to accept him and his heinous act of treason.
Maybe someday I’ll get over this trauma and move on with my sorry and now pointless life, but until then, I couldn’t imagine a worse start to my week.
By Carter Bowers
